Saturday, March 16, 2013

An obviously depressed deer...

So I need to pull a Bert and Ernie* and assure you up front that everyone I know and love is fine.  Now I can tell you that, when I woke up this morning, if I'd known I'd be calling 911 and three policemen in medical gloves would later stand in my garage because
(a)  Chris had taken a very serious turn for the worst, or
(b)  A deer had committed suicide in my garage,
I would have, with dread and terror but unshakable confidence, chosen (a).

Friends, you really never know what a day will bring.  The answer is (b).  That's right.  A deer rammed its head through my garage wall and died from its self-inflicted wound.**  This is how it went down:
Me:  Boys put on your shoes.  It's time to go to Double Dave's. 
David:  Mommy, come quick; it's an emergency! 
Me:  I don't care if there's a bug.  Just put on your shoes. 
David:  It's NOT a spider. 
Me:  Is it a snake? 
David:  Mommy, it's a deer. 
Me:  (walking to the garage) (How did he mistake a dog for a deer.  We need to get to the woods more often) 
Me:  (Holy crap!  What in the world do you do with a dead deer?... I am so calling 911 and throwing down my cancer card.)
911:  (very official)  Do you need an ambulance, the fire department or the police? 
Me:  I don't know who I need.  My husband is on chemo, and there's a dead deer in my garage, and I have no idea what to do in this situation. 
911:  (befuddled) ... I don't know either...  I'll send a unit. 
Me:  Thank you so much. 
VNP (Very Nice Policeman) #1:  What seems to be the problem?  (walk to garage)  Huh.  I wasn't sure I heard them right, but there really is a dead deer in your garage...  Animal control will only come for a live animal...  I'm going to call my buddy.  We'll help you figure it out.  Do you have some trash bags?
At this point I had 3 VNPs and heavy duty trash bags from a VNN (Very Nice Neighbor).
VNP#2:  Here's the problem.  Animal control will only come for a live animal, and the game warden won't get an animal off private property.  I guess we could drag it to the street, but they don't work weekends.  It'll stay there until Monday morning...  I tell you what, let's just bag it up and we'll dispose of it for you.

Those heroes among men drove away from my house with a dead deer in the backseat of their car.  Thank you, Harris County Sheriff's Department, for standing in the gap and making it so that I did not have to touch a dead deer today.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:34

* In The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland, Bert and Ernie come on screen at the beginning of the movie to assure young viewers that Elmo will reclaim his blankie by the end of the movie.
** To more fully appreciate this, you need to know this is the first deer I've ever seen in my neighborhood.  


  1. Wow... wow for the suicidal deer. How did he get in there, poor thing? And wow for the VNP. I miss the USA where police officers are there to protect you and not shake you down for money.

  2. Just read this again with a coworker and laughed and marveled at your situation. Thanks again for the laugh!


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